After the late-night post on Friday, let me redeem myself and provide an update:
I am an emotional basketcase. Who did not already know this?!
I wear my heart on my sleeve and take everything personal. This is me, this is who I am. The past couple of months have been an emotional rollercoaster. I am 26 years old and trying desperately to become the woman that God calls me to be, along with being a wife, youth director, friend, and family member. I put an immense amount of stress on myself because I have expectations and goals of perfection. Is this wrong? Of course it is. I am not, nor ever will be, perfect. Simple as that.
Saturday night I hit my breaking point. I cried for hours. Kevin, in his awesomeness, never left me. Amidst the tears, he kept asking questions and I kept saying, "I don't know." That seems to be the answer I am getting a lot lately. My frustrations with finding a job and working full-time again is met with the same response: I don't know. The deafening silence overwhelms me. Saturday night I did what I do best when I reach my breaking point: I cried.
I don't have the answers. I don't know what I will do with my life. I don't know where I am supposed to be or what I am supposed to do. However, I do know that I love being the youth director at FUMC Joshua. I love being with middle school and high school students. I love teaching and talking about subjects that interest me. I'm not sure where God's path is leading me, but I am on the train and patiently waiting for the Great Conductor to guide and direct me. When it is time to go, I will go. God is saying follow me, and I am following him. He reminds me constantly - I call them sacred echoes - that I am never alone, He is with me. I can deal with that. The unknown will always be in the back of my mind, but it does not have to be front and center.
I've learned a very good lesson this weekend, actually two of them: 1) don't worry about the race others are running and 2) focus on the most important thing: a relationship with God.
My life and journey is specific to me. I have to stop comparing myself to others. God designed a race specifically for me and no one else. When others seem to be passing me, I have to stay slow and steady in my lane. I cannot allow distractions to get me off-course or make me stumble. I have a very good life, one that I am immesely grateful for, but it is the life God wants me to have and includes an intimate relationship with Him.
While slowly and steadily focusing on my journey with God, I have to keep a God-centered life. I am too often consumed with a "look at me attitude" and it causes me to stumble, lose my focus, and even stirs anger, jealously, frustration, and envy. I am reminded of the story about the two sisters - Mary and Martha - that were blessed to have Jesus at their home to share a meal. While Mary sat at Jesus' feet and listened closely to the words of Jesus, Martha worked hurriedly in the kitchen and became very angry at her sister for not helping with meal preparations. She wanted Jesus to focus on her. Martha was great at hosting and providing supreme hospitality, but she lost focus on the most important lesson: be still, listen, and be in relationship with God. I am, too often, just like Martha. I work to please and gain the recognition and acknowledgement of others when I should be in closer relationship with the One who created me in the first place.
My priorities are changing. My prayer life is changing. Thus, my perspective on many things is changing. I am changing. I suspect God is bringing a lot of change to my life. I look forward to whatever He has in store for me. Until then, I am practicing patience. I am surrendering to the things of this world and trying to learn to live with less.
Please enjoy the song and video. It is one of my favorite hymns. When I am questioning my life and what I am supposed to do, I remember the words: Here I am, Lord.
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