Patience.

It's 2:00 am and I am thinking about what I want to be when I grow up. I know it's not a Toys-R-Us kid.

Growing up stinks. It has its perks - driver's license, college education, marriage, home ownership - but adult decision-making is pretty poopy. Congratulations to me, I just cussed like a four-year-old.

The books I've been reading lately have really got me thinking: What am I supposed to do with my life? Is this all there is? Will I make a difference in someone's life? What is my purpose? What are my passions? Why am I here? There has to be more to life than being a wife searching for a teaching job that really enjoys being the youth director and is desperately seeking a deeper, more intimate relationship with God.

Accepting the position of youth director at FUMC Joshua was one of the best opportunities I have ever received. While it is challenging, it is very rewarding. I have a great group of young people that make me want to become a better person. They are wise and see most ideas from a clear perspective, one without bias or bad taste. When I am with the youth of FUMC Joshua, I am reminded that I really enjoy working with people their age. They remind me to trust, obey, and listen for the Sacred Echo to lead me to my next destination. They are my heroes.

I have read so much, and thought about this so much, that I have a-ha! moments of positive encouragement; while other times, I feel like I am wasting my time and energy on something that is completely opposite from the path God wants me to take.

I've been studying Margaret Feinberg's "The Organic God" and "The Sacred Echo" because I am doing a DVD study series with the youth group. I've read "Organic," but "Sacred" has really got my wheels spinning. I am reading wonderful and inspiring stories of people experiencing the "sacred echo" of God in their lives and all I can do is scream because I want to feel, hear, see, and experience that too. I want to hear God's voice. I want to hear what he has to say. I'm sure whatever He says will be very important and relevant. What am I missing? What am I not doing? What am I doing that I should not be doing? How is God communicating with me?  The only thing I hear right now is my tap-tap-typing on the keyboard. A giant billboard would be great: "Dear Nicole, do this ____. Sincerely, God."

I'm on the verge of tears......oh, here they flow. Darn. Give me a minute.

Sorry.

I need direction. Simple as that. I pray for direction to learn how to pray for direction. Where am I supposed to go? What am I supposed to be doing? How will I know if the path I'm on is the right one? I have a certification letter to teach English/Language Arts and Social Studies in grades 4-8 but I have heard nothing back from the countless emails, phone calls, personal visits and job fairs with principals and school representatives. I feel really inspired when I am in a classroom....it would be really nice if I had one of my own. A place to put my own Sharpie pens. My name on the door. An opportunity to make a difference. A chance to reciprocate the generosity and talents of the teachers in my life. I had really great teachers, and I wonder if that is a link to my what am I supposed to do here decision.

I have a desire to teach, but I have received no offer or opportunity. Yeah, I had an interview, but that was weird and uncomfortable. This is a very critical time right now because the deadline has passed for current teachers to accept their contract; principals should have an idea of the positions or vacancies available for the new year by now.

If this is a patience test, I'm failing. I don't like the "unknown" factor in my life, but this is another gentle reminder that the Sacred Echo wants me to surrender my agenda and let him do his will. I am suffering from a case of Doubting Thomas-itis. I don't want to doubt; I want to trust. I don't want to worry; I want to be flexible. I don't want to cry tears of frustration; I want to rejoice with happiness and thanksgiving. I want a teaching career. I want to make a difference.

I have struggles. Big ones. Little ones. Medium ones. I have lots of questions and while it might seem like my prayers are bouncing off the ceiling, I am faithful that God is listening (sometimes laughing at my breakdowns). I have to wait. Something, somewhere, will appear and I hope I have the smarts to recognize it and seize the opportunity. CARPE DIEM

This has been my feeble attempt at a therapy session, Self-Help 101 - with the information below can I answer this question: What am I supposed to be when I grow up?

I love...
I love to read.
I love to write.
I love to cook.
I love to eat.
I love working with youth.
I love being involved at church.
I love my husband. Family. Friends.
I love (most) people - probably need to work on that one.
I love cats and dogs and horses.

I don't like...
I don't like conflict.
I don't like the political nature of corporate America.
I don't like people taking advantage of my generosity.
I don't like being a people-pleaser. I wish I could say "no" more often.
I don't like having an allergy to milk.
I don't like the unknown. (God is laughing at me now.)

Now what?